The Silence After Serving

Having worked with Veterans and Combat Veterans for the last 3 years now, one of the most common things I hear is, “It’s just not the fucking same out here, Beth.” It is their language of grief and isolation that they don’t hear or recognize, but that my brain picks up on then translates into an emotion. 

One of my favorite things to do with Veterans is to ask them their favorite memory from bootcamp/basic training. Interestingly, they all pretty much have the same reaction, an instant smile crosses their face, their gazes look past me almost like directly reliving whatever the memory is and they usually laugh and start telling me. By the end of their memory I am usually grinning with them and then I stay quiet because in therapy a lot of the time, letting Veterans talk at their own pace is important. The silence shifts and the next sentence is often one of sadness. Things like, “I wish I took more pictures and videos.” “I hated it, yet I miss it all the time.” “Sometimes I dream of  ___ and for a little while everything feels okay again, then I wake up.” 

My next response, “When was the last time you reached out to someone you served with?” I ask them because I know the bond of brotherhood/sisterhood they talk about, the type of bond that is difficult to replicate in the civilian world. The one where they willingly stand side by side and serve with others and their job is to protect the person to their left and the person to their right. A bond that runs so deep and loyalty that is so ingrained, so instantaneous, so pure that few of us in the civilian world ever experience it.

And yet… the answer is always the same, “I don’t know. A while ago, I just don’t want to bother them.” And I always laugh then I explain, “Do you know how many of my other Veterans say the exact same thing!” Then I switch it around and say it like this, “What would your first thought be if one of them reached out to you first?” Universally they say, “Oh I would be glad to hear from them, to talk shit, catch up, feel normal again for a bit.” And my follow-up is to nod and I say, “Would you ever feel like they were bothering you by reaching out?” The immediate response is, “Never.” or “No.” 

So why is it that Veterans feel seen with those they served with, yet isolate themselves from reaching out to them, even while knowing they would be more than glad to hear from them?

I have a suspicion it comes down to one or a few things: Being a burden, Feeling vulnerable, Fear of it being a sign of weakness, Hyper-independence from having served = self reliant. 

Here is the sobering thing I want you to take away from this, in my time working with this population there are themes that I cannot seem to ignore. After leaving the military, there is a lack of familiar community in the civilian world and this often leads to isolation. Isolation can lead to increased depression and anxiety and PTSD symptoms. This usually leads to feelings of being alone and being tired. Combining all these things with regular stressors (money, family, marriage, work, school, etc) creates a feeling of helplessness, of not being in control, and ultimately creates the thought of I am a failure or weak.

I frequently remind all my clients to reach out to people they served with, to send a simple text, “Hey, you crossed my mind, how are you doing, brother?” Because that simple text can stop the spiral, it can instantly decrease the isolation feeling and you never know who needs to hear it at that moment. 

My own partner is a Marine Corps Combat Veteran and he has a very particular laugh that I only ever hear when he is talking to or catching up with his veteran buddies. It is a laugh that I memorize when I hear it because I have grown to understand what it means - he is happy again for a bit of time in that space and it is confined to that space. When I notice I haven't heard that laugh, I have found that sometimes I will ask him, “Hey, when was the last time you talked to so and so?”

One of my favorite phrases is, “Veterans are protectors and providers.” I like to gently challenge my clients, that is just the type of therapist I am. Part of being a protector is also protecting those who stood beside you even after you get out. Protecting them is sometimes challenging the thought you are a burden, protecting them is challenging yourself that reaching out is okay and it is not being weak (it is actually the opposite because it takes so much intentional effort), protecting them is recognizing the military set you up to be self reliant but it also taught you to be reliant upon them at one point in time. You protected them while being in active duty; so now I am going to gently challenge you, please don't stop protecting them now that you are Veterans.

About the Author:

Because let’s be honest, Veterans aren't always the most trusting (understandably) and who wants to read something a random person wrote and maybe has no idea what they are talking about. 

My name is Beth, I am an LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) in California and my Masters degree is in Clinical Psychology. But, I am also just a person who grew up with extensive trauma and abuse in my childhood, teen years, and young adulthood. Academics and school just made sense to me and were an escape from home life which was what led me to going to college and I took one psychology class in college and never stopped, it led me to becoming a therapist. 

I started working with the Veteran population in early 2023. I found that I loved working with Combat Veterans/Veterans and also their spouses because of things like the fact that dark humor didn't phase me (it was a familiar language that I also spoke), being able to still have my own personality and joke in sessions eased tension, creating a bond with my clients from a place of not being the expert, but a human with a difficult past helped my Veteran clients grow to trust me and begin to share more and heal. My own partner is a Marine Corps Combat Veteran with a service dog named Venus and a coffee company that donates proceeds to other Veteran nonprofits. Living that role as a partner adds another layer to how I understand and show up for this community. T2R is an organization that is close to my heart, I made a lifelong friend who happens to be the Board President, and supporting him and this organization is part of how I show up for Veterans outside of my career and relationship. At the end of the day, I am just a girl who is a Mom, therapist, partner, and advocate for Veterans in any way that I can be including writing blogs :)